{"id":6762,"date":"2010-07-13T23:16:20","date_gmt":"2010-07-13T15:16:20","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/moonpointer.com\/new\/?p=6762"},"modified":"2010-07-13T23:17:52","modified_gmt":"2010-07-13T15:17:52","slug":"a-letter-to-mom","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/moonpointer.com\/new\/2010\/07\/a-letter-to-mom\/","title":{"rendered":"A Letter to Mom"},"content":{"rendered":"

<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

\"\"<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

(From a friend to her Mother)<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

Never knew the loss is so painful, never knew you are so important in my life, never knew your support was so vital to the wholeness of me, never so deeply appreciated and touched by the things you did for us, never discovered the jewel of \u2018Buddha\u2019 within you. Even at your deathbed, you never asked us to learn to treasure your loving-kindness (Metta). But only now, that I\u2019m awake, I know. But already four years late.<\/p>\n

Since young, I saw Granny tormenting you, and Dad being mean to you. Yet, you never beared a grudge. When Granny was bedridden, you still took care of her gently after your 10-hour daily work. Even when she caused you to scald a leg and being hospitalised for weeks, you still insisted that we feed her promptly, and to do it with Metta. And you do clearly knew that Granny was already in a stage where she couldn\u2019t differentiate food, while knowing that Dad and your son even avoid her, even not feeding her. Aunts made excuses not to come, and yet, in your hospital bed, you insisted us to do the same as you did for Granny. The moment you discharged and stepped into the house, you did not go to rest. Instead, you walked straight into Granny\u2019s room, which was full of bowel discharge, and started to do cleaning. At that time, your whole right leg was still fully bandaged, while your left one half.<\/p>\n

Even though the doctor told us that you had only 24 hours left, it was so hard for us to believe. Your facial expression was as usual, never showing your great suffering. Even during the occasionally dozing off, you never showed signs of your pain. Your last year alive was a great lesson for me. With my own eyes, I saw your illness develop from bad to worse. The Chinese doctor said you are ill, but can\u2019t find the root cause. The Western doctor scanned each of your organs, and said you are okay. But only the Buddha said your health was deteriorating. Your and your heart tell the same, that things are not right. Seeing you cry in pain in the middle of the night really broke my tired heart. As you knew I had a long hard day at work, your crying was always silent. Since young, you taught me to use my heart to feel. And this heart knew, whenever you dropped your tears.<\/p>\n

But ever since you admitted in the hospital and knew about the late discovery of last stage cancer, pain seemed to disappear from your face. Your graceful acceptance was admirable, not only for us, even for the doctors and ward nurses. It was scary to stay in the ward to hear patients\u2019 cries of agony in the middle of the night. Yet, despite being one of the most critically ill, you never let out a single cry. One day, when you were sound asleep, we were astonished to see the painful and uncomfortable expression on your face. The doctor came in, stood beside us and said, \u2018This is the real condition.\u2019 You were in pain, but in front of the family, you showed us how brave you were, so as to not let us worry. It was truly \u2018mind over matter\u2019 in Buddhism. And I saw it in you. You were not a meditator, yet your love for us was so strong, that your mind conquered bodily pain\u2026 even when cancer lumps were cracking not only one part of your spine.<\/p>\n

Today is your fourth anniversary. It\u2019s also the fourth anniversary of my buddy Anna. This is something that I dared not to tell you then. She passed away slightly before you. Sorry Mom\u2026 only today do I dare to share this. All along, I kept all these in my heart, and became an escapee in life. Last month, when I met my teacher and started to meditate, all my sadness and your virtues vividly surfaced from a heavy heart. I could not let go and so could not progress further. Since today is your anniversary, I\u2019m dropping you a letter to tell you that I miss you, and I\u2019m sorry I had not learn much of your live Dharma. I now realise that ego was missing in you, and it is the ego that causes suffering, which I still have not let go. Really wish you are here.<\/p>\n

Your daughter,
\nSan<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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