Continued from http://wp.me/p54LT-3pP
The clocks on the walkway chime for midnight. Christmas is over. The flow of people is thinning. 1:03am – From the corner of his left eye, Zeph sees a couple of policemen coming his way on patrol. He pretends not to see. A suspicious character is exactly what he is. He inched his right foot forward, slowly and painfully, followed by his left. Zeph the unmoving has moved. He is heartbroken for his broken unsworn vow to remain unmoved. Zeph half-limped forward, hobbling unsteadily. He must look like a bloody drunkard. A taxi with a bright blue cap speeds towards him. He flags it in time. And boards it. “Bedok North Road – quickly.” To home. His mother must be worried. He is going to get a scolding tomorrow morning. His Mum would never understand? Real life?
The radio plays “Learn to be Still” on 98.7 FM – a new song by The Eagles (from the album “Hell Freezes Over) reunited. A song that never was a hit single. Relatively unknown, but that doesn’t mean a thing at all. Hundreds , maybe thousands of people that saw him tonight must have thought he was mad, but he doesn’t give a damn at all.
Just another day in paradise
as you stumble to your bed.
You’d give anything to silence
those voices ringing in your head
You thought you could find happiness
just over that green hill
You thought you’ll be satisfied
but you never will-
Learn to be still
We are like sheep without a shepherd
We don’t know how to be alone
So we wander ’round this desert
and wind up following the wrong gods home
But the flock cries for another
and they keep answering that bell
And one more starry-eyed messiah
meets a violent farewell-
Learn to be still
Learn to be still
Now the flowers in your garden
They don’t smell so sweet so sweet
Maybe you’ve forgotten
the heaven lying at your feet
There are so many contradictions
in these messages we send
We keep asking
How do I get out of here?
Where do I fit in?
Though the world is torn and shaken
Even if your heart is breakin’
It’s waiting for you to awaken
And someday you will-
Learn to be still
Learn to be still
You just keep on runnin’
Keep on runnin’ .”
I didn’t run away. I wasn’t a coward. I had to get away but I didn’t run. I limped away – with fierce determination still; but deep regret though. The fare meter runs on. There will be a midnight surcharge. Like a punishment fine – for Zeph feels guilty. For letting himself down. No! I didn’t run away. And I will not. In my heart I still stand still. Tall, firm.
The family is asleep. I am tired and need to sleep. But I will sleep without hope of waking up. Settling everything I can before entering it. No, I am not going to commit suicide – that is totally crazy! My parents would be distraught if I ever did – there is already too much pain in this world. Die every night but be reborn every morning full of hope.
The next morning at 9am, Zeph wakes with a hellish head-splitting hangover. He realises that people are usually unwilling to wake up because they yearn to return to the “bliss” of oblivion in deep sleep. But in it, there is no one to enjoy it actually. No bliss and no oblivion. Like death? What if it is not the be-all of everything? That’s fine – but show me what to do with the waking moments. Show me how to get oblivion forever now – or is there a greater bliss? Is that what they call Nirvana?
Even to discover the meaninglessness of all is to me the meaning. Meaning means reasoning. Everything should have a reason – why am I born and not in oblivion? That’s what I have to find out. Zeph be good – help the world and yourself. The pain in his feet reminded him of the crippled and legless. If this pounding headache and sore feet is living hell for me, what is life like for them? They who cannot stand like I stood. I think they sit down and lie down a lot. They have to learn to be still. They must think about life a lot.
Zeph cannot be alone. Orchard people on Christmas are “happy” people; there are the others. A headache, sore feet plus now an aching in the heart. Suffering. I will relieve the world of suffering while I find the meaning of life. My life is being romanticised by me. If even suffering can be romanticised nobly, then life would be okay. I will help others and myself rise from pain stronger, and realise truth. Maybe I’ll end up another starry-eyed messiah – I must not go mad in the process. A madman is not a happy man – he can still fall and feel pain. It would not be easy. It is for this search for meaning that I would have to suffer. I will learn, learn and learn.
Thus concludes Zeph’s first awakening, and begins his journey to greater awakening. The impact and power of this awakening he is to forget and remember intermittently in years to come, feeling its ever fading yet rebounding rippling effects. He is to walk, and fall, feel down in the dumps, pick himself up, and walk on, falling again, rising again… and again. Such is any journey to anywhere – to be met with obstacles to be overcome. Just another typical seeker of truth, not an archetypal universal hero like the Buddha – just one who aspires to understand what this is all about.
Every Christmas becomes an anniversary, an occasion to take stock of his “spiritual standing.” Still how resolute is he? The goal is simple – learn to be happy, truly happy. And it is a great bonus if one can teach others how too. In a sense, it’s easy despite the difficulties – just bear in mind the worthwhileness of the goal at the end – and never ever give up.
Continues at http://wp.me/p54LT-3q0