How to Handle Gossip Gals & Guys

If someone gossips to you,
there’s no need to respond enthusiastically.
If someone else gossips to you,
there’s no need to respond enthusiastically.
If the two gossip about you,
there’s no need to respond enthusiastically.

The gossiping will stop
because there’s no kick
in gossiping to you,
in gossiping about you.

Those who engage in less idle speech usually have less like-minded friends (at first). It is all too easy to find many friends who engage in useless (yet possibly destructive) speech, while it is usually more challenging to find noble Dharma friends who are more interested in discussing about the Dharma. You might feel lonely at first, when you decide not to say or listen to gossip and such, but what you are gaining could be peace of mind instead, and less chances to create negative karma via unskilful speech. (Idle or useless speech is an aspect of unwholesome speech against the practice of Right Speech in the Noble Eightfold Path and observation of the Fourth Precept.)

What kind of friends anyway, are those who gossip about you and others negatively? How well can they be trusted? However, it is important to maintain healthy friendliness with them, so as to be able to share the Dharma with them when opportunities arise. Just make it a point not to be enthusiastic when they engage in the unwholesome. Gossip above refers to speech which involves speculation of truth, which means it could be about deceit and slander too – hence the negativity of intention and consequences. Below is an excerpt from Father Flynn’s sermon in the movie ‘Doubt’ (which was adapted from a play). It’s a retold cautionary tale on the harms of gossip with a touch of ‘God’ added, which is really optional.

“A woman was gossiping with her friend about a man whom they hardly knew – I know none of you have ever done this. That night, she had a dream: a great hand appeared over her and pointed down on her. She was immediately seized with an overwhelming sense of guilt. The next day she went to confession. She got the old parish priest, Father O’ Rourke, and she told him the whole thing. ‘Is gossiping a sin?’ she asked the old man. ‘Was that God almighty’s hand pointing down at me? Should I ask for your absolution? Father, have I done something wrong?’

‘Yes,’ Father O’ Rourke answered her. ‘Yes, you ignorant, badly-brought-up female. You have blamed false witness on your neighbor. You played fast and loose with his reputation, and you should be heartily ashamed.’ So, the woman said she was sorry, and asked for forgiveness. ‘Not so fast,’ says O’ Rourke. ‘I want you to go home, take a pillow upon your roof, cut it open with a knife, and return here to me.’ So, the woman went home: took a pillow off her bed, a knife from the drawer, went up the fire escape to her roof, and stabbed the pillow.

Then she went back to the old parish priest as instructed. ‘Did you cut the pillow with a knife?’ he says. ‘Yes, Father.’ ‘And what were the results?’ ‘Feathers,’ she said. ‘Feathers?’ he repeated. ‘Feathers; everywhere, Father.’ ‘Now I want you to go back and gather up every last feather that flew out onto the wind,’ ‘Well,’ she said, ‘it can’t be done. I don’t know where they went. The wind took them all over.’ ‘And that,’ said Father O’ Rourke, ‘is gossip!'”

Some spread lies.
Some spread doubts (half-truths; half-lies?).
Some spread truth.
Which do you spread?