If what you find attractive in someone
is the Dharma embodied and expressed,
why be attached to the manner and form?– Stonepeace
There are a few great regrets I have when it comes to relationships. Ironically, the most troubling ones are those which are somewhat related to the Dharma. Many years ago, I met someone, who was interested in the Dharma I was sharing. Later, she confessed that she developed a liking for me. When I politely rejected her, while promising to remain as good Dharma friends, she felt so troubled that she said she is likely to turn away from the Dharma because it reminds her of me. It was very sad indeed, because what she was attracted to in me was the Dharma I had to share… but she unmindfully digressed… when she ‘fell in love’ with the fool expressing it. It was lopsided… as if I was more important than the Dharma. I asked a monk for advice on her ‘threat’ to disown the Dharma because of me. Surprisingly, he said to simply ignore it.
It felt heartless, though I couldn’t really tell if it was good advice. Maybe monks, who have less worldly entanglements are more clear-cut about these dilemmas? I maintained friendly but not too intimate contact, but she eventually slipped away. She did join another Dharma group though. But I seriously can’t tell if it was for better or worse due to the group’s somewhat controversial nature. But there was no way to get closer again, even dharmically, due to the fear of stirring up her painful memories. And she seemed to be maintaining a distance too. Or maybe I had become insignificant and was forgotten. Such tension is very unfortunate, because over the years, there is much wonderful Dharma that I’m eager to share with her, but am unable to. I have to respect the preference of keeping the distance.
Though I can’t really get closer unless conditions change, the truth is, our karmic affinities never end. Even if they appear to fade away, they only remain ‘dormant’ for a while, and change, for better or worse. Why not conscientiously better it then? Even more sadly, looking back, she is not the only one who had this problem with me. To prevent accidental future ‘crushes’, I decided to be as faceless as I can, especially when sharing the Dharma online. But really, I’m just a non-descript person. Without the Dharma, I’m as ‘charming’ as a piece of blank paper. So much said, I have to let go of the attachment of wanting to heal the relationship too, and the sadness involved, while remaining open. If you are reading this, I hope you will let go of your attachment and sadness too – if any. If you can, there’s so much we can catch up on our Dharma friendship!
If what you find more attractive in someone
is the manner and form,
you might miss the Dharma embodied and expressed.– Stonepeace
“If you are reading this, I hope you will let go of your attachment and sadness too”
Perhaps you should try conducting careful examination to determine if you have truly let go of the attachment and sadness? It has been many years ago though and you put yourself in sufferings for so many years? from my experience, this should not happen to a truly diligent Dharma practioner.
“To prevent accidental future ‘crushes’, I decided to be as faceless as I can, especially when sharing the Dharma online.”
Over the years, it appears that having tried to be faceless, the problem does not seems to have addressed effectively? Actually, this is an extremely easy matter to handle too: start working at your mind, which is the substance of all causes of problems. Putting on a faceless expression is only an ineffective presentation of the form.
All causes of issues triggered from an undisciplined mind…if you would internalise what I mean.
No lah, I dun think Mr Zyrius is talking about he can’t let go. If anyone read carefully he is more worry about her spiritual life than anything else… how it was read as he’s longing for the friend? This only show how the mind plays tricks with the words. Actually online sharing is good. Like in online forum, there can be many good advice. I think people are more receptive and open when they are online. Won’t look down if the person looks ugly or get excited because he or she is attractive. I think online sharing is good and can be effective in its own way. That’s what we are doing now mah. It’s very true that all problems arise from undisciplined mind, that’s what the blog is about i guess… the undisciplined mind of Mr Zyrius’s friend, whom mistaken his sharing as love.
Dear bro,
I had the similar experience too. After reading the article, somehow it ‘wake’ me up from the foolish regrets i had with me for many years. Dwelling of the past relationship is indeed unhealthy. However, i wanna Thank You for sharing 🙂
阿弥陀佛
The writer should be praised for his honesty in confessing his suffering due to attachment. Only those who are truly enlightened have no attachments at all. How many of us are willing to openly share about our regrets and express resolution on overcoming them at the same time? If his friend read the article, its ‘facelessness’ might help her to face their mutual problem? I don’t know if the writer has ‘let go’ yet, but he did end with a resolution to let go of the attachment and sadness while remaining open.
I think that is admirable as many people who encounter hiccups in their relationships (friendship, kinship or love) prefer to cut contact totally in the hope of cutting karmic connections. This is actually petty and foolish. As the writer mentioned, it is impossible to end affinities as once forged, they are there and subject to change but not utter disintegration. One might as well do what one can to actively make these affinities positive or at least be open to doing so. This is keeping one’s heart open, not in the amorous sense, but in the sense of good will and Dharma friendship.
The writer rejected his friend’s amorous interest as he was only interested in sharing the Dharma with her. This was stated in the beginning of the article. Even at the end, it affirms his wish to reconnect to further share the Dharma. Not that he’s an actual Bodhisattva for sure, but it is perfectly natural for unenlightened Bodhisattva-wannabes to be attached to wanting to share the Dharma as they are unenlightened after all. Still, this is part of the path towards enlightenment. When Bodhisattvas vow and strive to guide beings to enlightenment, is there attachment involved? I would think so. This unwillingness to let anyone down is the noblest form of attachment, or rather, spiritual aspiration, that can be transformed to diligence to advance towards enlightenment eventually. I hope the writer and his friend will reconnect for the better, though part of being open means being open to the possibility that it won’t happen too. During this life time at least?
Insightful comment from Eureka.
Attachment is often labelled as something negative, something unwanted, something to be eradicated at all costs from the many statements made by fellow Buddhists around me.
But yet there is another thing called spritual aspiration – formed from the humble foundations of imperfect realisation and compassion.
Yes, indeed being open can mean being open to the possiblity that the spiritual connection with Zyrius’s friend may not happen again, throughout both their present lifetimes.
We are, afterall flesh and blood with emotions.
Awareness, awareness and Awareness.
God Blessings :cheerful:
With our personal efforts
and the blessings of all Buddhas,
may we transform our emotions to pure compassion,
may we transform our reason to pure wisdom.
Amituofo
😉
Morning Shian,
Thanks for the reinforcements.
Atma Namaste (L)
What is a woman?
What is a man?
A false combination of physical structures,
given a name.
We marry our wives,
not knowing they are our fathers.
We fall in love with our boyfriends,
forgetting they are our mothers.
Knowing not our end is near,
we run amok in confusion.
Chasing after love and attachment,
creating future births and deaths.
We recite the Buddha’s name seeking rebirth,
yet cling to samsara impurities.
We want to achieve Nirvana,
yet not want to give up attachments.
And so again we wander,
among the six paths of suffering.
Contemplate the body as impure,
Understand feelings as suffering,
Know those false thoughts as illusions,
And the five aggregrates as non-self.
With no mark of self,
No mark of others as well,
No mark of sentient beings,
No mark of a lifespan.
We then leave the burning house.