If what you find attractive in someone
is the Dharma embodied and expressed,
why be attached to the manner and form?– Stonepeace
There are a few great regrets I have when it comes to relationships. Ironically, the most troubling ones are those which are somewhat related to the Dharma. Many years ago, I met someone, who was interested in the Dharma I was sharing. Later, she confessed that she developed a liking for me. When I politely rejected her, while promising to remain as good Dharma friends, she felt so troubled that she said she is likely to turn away from the Dharma because it reminds her of me. It was very sad indeed, because what she was attracted to in me was the Dharma I had to share… but she unmindfully digressed… when she ‘fell in love’ with the fool expressing it. It was lopsided… as if I was more important than the Dharma. I asked a monk for advice on her ‘threat’ to disown the Dharma because of me. Surprisingly, he said to simply ignore it.
It felt heartless, though I couldn’t really tell if it was good advice. Maybe monks, who have less worldly entanglements are more clear-cut about these dilemmas? I maintained friendly but not too intimate contact, but she eventually slipped away. She did join another Dharma group though. But I seriously can’t tell if it was for better or worse due to the group’s somewhat controversial nature. But there was no way to get closer again, even dharmically, due to the fear of stirring up her painful memories. And she seemed to be maintaining a distance too. Or maybe I had become insignificant and was forgotten. Such tension is very unfortunate, because over the years, there is much wonderful Dharma that I’m eager to share with her, but am unable to. I have to respect the preference of keeping the distance.
Though I can’t really get closer unless conditions change, the truth is, our karmic affinities never end. Even if they appear to fade away, they only remain ‘dormant’ for a while, and change, for better or worse. Why not conscientiously better it then? Even more sadly, looking back, she is not the only one who had this problem with me. To prevent accidental future ‘crushes’, I decided to be as faceless as I can, especially when sharing the Dharma online. But really, I’m just a non-descript person. Without the Dharma, I’m as ‘charming’ as a piece of blank paper. So much said, I have to let go of the attachment of wanting to heal the relationship too, and the sadness involved, while remaining open. If you are reading this, I hope you will let go of your attachment and sadness too – if any. If you can, there’s so much we can catch up on our Dharma friendship!
If what you find more attractive in someone
is the manner and form,
you might miss the Dharma embodied and expressed.– Stonepeace
Thank you for sharing your experience. Please do not feel regret. I second the monk’s advice of simply ignoring the threat. Have faith in the Dharma that things will work out right for both you and the girl. Some relationships have to go away for a while, so that it can come back purer and better.
I rejoice in your contribution to Dharma. Please do not worry about subsequent occurrences and hence restrain your efforts. Life is short hence we should always contribute our best in ways that we deem meaningful to others. Inspire others to the greater way, for a greater purpose, and towards a greater fruition. When one’s heart is pure, it will bring out the pureness of others as well. Loving kindness dispels fear.
May you be well and happy.
Indeed! Amituofo
😀
Seem like you really miss her!
She may have let go but you are still hanging on there.
When we practice the Dharma, we ought to become a better person than we were before. It would be troubling to know if the author show no concern over his troubled friend even though the incident happened many years ago. Like a true Bodhisattva that never really let go and always wait for the right opportunity, how can we, the Dharma practicers, just let go if there might be a chance to re-connect any person back to the right path? The problem is never about not able to let go or not but could there be any possibility to help again? I applaud to the author’s Dharmic spirit, only a great friend and Bodhisattva would never left anyone behind. (Y)
Send Metta! Best help when no help seems available.
🙂
sounds like falling in love with the finger that was pointing at the moon.
long time no passing by here. though i have been reading all the newsletter 😉
i guess i should make some effort to reflect and leave comments when possible. hee
Hi zyrius, thank you for sharing this experience with us. If I were your friend, male or female, I would feel touched to read this.
Indeed there are a few ways of looking at this issue. Some would say the writer is being attached to his dharma female friend – interpreting her words as some kind of ‘threat’ not to practise the Dharma. But in the end she didn’t give up – she merely joined another Dharma group.
On the other hand, there is another view as put forth by CT – which is whether is another chance to reconnect with such friends and help them again with whatever issues they encounter while practising the Dharma.
There is no absolute right or wrong here, in my humble opinion. I can only say it’s a matter of arising of conditions which lead to the forging of the dharma friendship and the subsequent cessation of those conditions which led to its end.
Is there such a Dharma friend like zyrius in my life? Nope, none at all. If I were to leave a Dharma group, I don’t think anyone would express the same amount of concern or even somewhat near that amount of concern for me. In fact I have already left one, but for different reasons – meaning it’s not a case of boy-girl attraction. So like you zyrius, I have also decided to remain faceless as I can, knowing my own limitations and that of others.
Dear zyrius’s friend, it’s really good to be remembered even if you have left your former group. I hope you get to read this post by zyrius.
All the best, zyrius and his friend. =)
To bro. Zyrius,
You have shared dharma with a clear and focus mind. However, the other party was attracted to your physical self through dharma discussion. Apparently, somehow she has had lost her direction and let her emotion lead her way.
Reading and listerning to Dharma, understanding the Dharma and practicing Dharma requires ones to have a focus mind to do so. The arts of Dharma requires great wisdom to achieve…
From your experience you have shared with us, the monk advise is correct, ‘Ignored’ is the right action as this is simply explained in the cause and effect teachings. By ignoring, you can let go, by ignoring it is better for her to self reflect.
Do not get too upset or stressed up over this issue, in life, we will need to overcome any relationship problems. We must learn to let go and overcome. Do not let your emotion affect your directions.. Be mindful always.
It is easy for say but difficult to do. A common phase you will hear and say. But in actual fact, it is very simply. Hope you can learn to let go after this episode as there are more to come in life… An Endless Human Relationship Problem… and that’s why all of us are still learning the Arts of Dharma.
All the best!
Past Karma, Present Encounter. Affairs of the heart, a cause of countless samsara.
Zyrius’ attachment is more to wanting to rekindle the Dharma friendship, than anything else. It’s still an attachment though. Good that he knows this…
‘I have to let go of the attachment of wanting to heal the relationship too, and the sadness involved, while remaining open. If you are reading this, I hope you will let go of your attachment and sadness too – if any. If you can, there’s so much we can catch up on our Dharma friendship!’
Yes, sending Metta helps!
😉