(From a friend to her Mother)
Never knew the loss is so painful, never knew you are so important in my life, never knew your support was so vital to the wholeness of me, never so deeply appreciated and touched by the things you did for us, never discovered the jewel of ‘Buddha’ within you. Even at your deathbed, you never asked us to learn to treasure your loving-kindness (Metta). But only now, that I’m awake, I know. But already four years late.
Since young, I saw Granny tormenting you, and Dad being mean to you. Yet, you never beared a grudge. When Granny was bedridden, you still took care of her gently after your 10-hour daily work. Even when she caused you to scald a leg and being hospitalised for weeks, you still insisted that we feed her promptly, and to do it with Metta. And you do clearly knew that Granny was already in a stage where she couldn’t differentiate food, while knowing that Dad and your son even avoid her, even not feeding her. Aunts made excuses not to come, and yet, in your hospital bed, you insisted us to do the same as you did for Granny. The moment you discharged and stepped into the house, you did not go to rest. Instead, you walked straight into Granny’s room, which was full of bowel discharge, and started to do cleaning. At that time, your whole right leg was still fully bandaged, while your left one half.
Even though the doctor told us that you had only 24 hours left, it was so hard for us to believe. Your facial expression was as usual, never showing your great suffering. Even during the occasionally dozing off, you never showed signs of your pain. Your last year alive was a great lesson for me. With my own eyes, I saw your illness develop from bad to worse. The Chinese doctor said you are ill, but can’t find the root cause. The Western doctor scanned each of your organs, and said you are okay. But only the Buddha said your health was deteriorating. Your and your heart tell the same, that things are not right. Seeing you cry in pain in the middle of the night really broke my tired heart. As you knew I had a long hard day at work, your crying was always silent. Since young, you taught me to use my heart to feel. And this heart knew, whenever you dropped your tears.
But ever since you admitted in the hospital and knew about the late discovery of last stage cancer, pain seemed to disappear from your face. Your graceful acceptance was admirable, not only for us, even for the doctors and ward nurses. It was scary to stay in the ward to hear patients’ cries of agony in the middle of the night. Yet, despite being one of the most critically ill, you never let out a single cry. One day, when you were sound asleep, we were astonished to see the painful and uncomfortable expression on your face. The doctor came in, stood beside us and said, ‘This is the real condition.’ You were in pain, but in front of the family, you showed us how brave you were, so as to not let us worry. It was truly ‘mind over matter’ in Buddhism. And I saw it in you. You were not a meditator, yet your love for us was so strong, that your mind conquered bodily pain… even when cancer lumps were cracking not only one part of your spine.
Today is your fourth anniversary. It’s also the fourth anniversary of my buddy Anna. This is something that I dared not to tell you then. She passed away slightly before you. Sorry Mom… only today do I dare to share this. All along, I kept all these in my heart, and became an escapee in life. Last month, when I met my teacher and started to meditate, all my sadness and your virtues vividly surfaced from a heavy heart. I could not let go and so could not progress further. Since today is your anniversary, I’m dropping you a letter to tell you that I miss you, and I’m sorry I had not learn much of your live Dharma. I now realise that ego was missing in you, and it is the ego that causes suffering, which I still have not let go. Really wish you are here.
Your daughter,
San
This is the something similar that I always wanted to write to my mummy and daddy. My mummy died of cancer 12 years ago and my daddy died of heart diease 5 years ago. Till today, I weep during their birthdays and death anniversary. Missing them….dearly…
From here – always treasure people around you, to someone when a person dies it may mean that the world is lesser by a human being, but to some it means great emotion suffering.
Amitoufo
Meditation is a good way for self-discovery and it is very useful and helpful in life. Different people will discover different things. Thanks for sharing.
How did you find out this way of communicating? I think it is a beautiful good way.
Your mom and the universe will hear you.
For me, I send little thoughts or via communication with friends, on my mother’s teaching/upbringings which indirectly had a great impact on me. I discovered only very much later in life, those are the IMPORTANT conditions that I NEED to progress in life and spiritually.
One day, like you, I might officially do it via other means to thank my Parents (good and bad).
After my mother’s death, I asked my son, if I died, will he feel bad. He was 7 yrs old then, he said , just tell me you have gone to far away places to work, don’t tell me you have died.
7 yrs later, I asked the question again. He gave a different answer, he won’t. He got new information on – emptiness that dissolves the ‘issue’.
So, I am more at peace : )
Anyway whether he can accept it or not, when the time is up, I still have to go that is the law of nature.
Maybe, you can set your mom free, let her be where she should be. Maybe you have already free her already.
Letting go, does not mean you don’t have.
If you can accept the concept of emptiness, the energy system in the universe, you and your mom is always interconnected even you can’t see her. Just my thinking, it can be wrong.
Or very soon, you will or already discover some other better ways.
I am sure all of us readers especially those whose parents are no longer around will shed a silent tear reading this lesson in life as they recall their own personal regrets. Life becomes more precious and meaningful as we gain more understanding into the Buddhadharma and your gift of Dharma is a great way to repay your debt of gratitude to your parent. May all rejoice in this merit. Amituofo
Thanks for all the encourgement and sharing, never know others do share the same view. Meditation let me know more about my”self”, the mind. Mindfulness is the only way out.
Metta,
san