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Suddenly, he felt angry towards himself – for taking it so cowardly. This has got to be the most irrational thing that has ever happened to me. He flexed his legs and stood fast, clenching his fists and gritting his teeth. A strange sense of the ill-foreboding. But this moment so potently powerful too. Ominous or auspicious I do not know. Something glinted in his eyes. From tears or sweat no one would be able to tell. Of madness, maybe. He closed his eyes and relaxed his whole body. Maybe that certain something is determination. Will to find light in the dark night of his “soul” in broad daylight. Five minutes have barely passed. The people walk on by. Orchard life goes on and so does Christmas. But he knew deep down that his life will never be the same again. Crisis. Nowhere to go; nothing to do.
From this moment onwards, he has no more purpose in life. I’m a student schooling for work, for money, for parents, for things, for my future wife, for my future kids, for my future house, for my future car, for… death… – for what? I’m doing whatever I’m doing for death. What is death for? If that is the end-all and be-all, why am I struggling?
What is the point? Like in the cartoons, a piano might drop on me where I stand and I’ll be dead. Why should I believe it will not happen? Wake up! Be realistic! Be practical! Why are you thinking such thoughts? I thought we had been through all this before. I am being realistic. All in vain when death is impending. Death renders all meaningless. What is the point of my life if there is the point of death? What is really worth doing now? Make the world a better place? For what?
Suddenly, when the thought struck him again that he was purposeless, he realised that that means from today onwards, he is free. I am hereby condemned to be free – but free will will free me. A feeling of nausea welled up in him and subsided – it reminded him of taking a train when he was a child with his family. He felt a devastating wave of travel-sickness. He was sick of everything – even the scenery and his Mother’s coaxing did not help. He wished he was dead then. He wished he was dead right now. It wasn’t exactly a death wish – he only wished he never existed. Because he couldn’t see any point of life – and death.
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