Adventures : Zeph Tales (3)

Continued from

1300798_time_distortionTime passed and he didn’t know how long he stood. The sun is setting but my fire inside burns on bright and fiery. Christmas night Orchard – the people increase. He looked at them. All seemed so purposeful. The waiting are waiting impatiently, the walking are walking and the talking talking. No one looked lost. But he alone stood like an idiot in the middle of “nowhere” – or is it everywhere? The heart of celebration he is in and he had nothing to celebrate about. But nothing to make him weep either. Just an echoing emptiness resounding within that he couldn’t hear well but won’t quieten down. His legs are feeling numb and pain alternately. The pain in between the numbness reminded him that he was alive. He yearned for the feeling of no-feeling – that of comfortable numbness. Is that death itself? Not sure. There is no pleasure in it – none in my existence here and now. I’m numb to this world, maybe even bitter for they who pass me by, who feel not what I feel. For this I am in pain. No – I am pain. Anguish. The thoughts are coming in fast and furious. There is no specific purpose in life. I have no obligations. Just know what you want and go for it. But be sure it is worth all the trouble. After all – it’s going to cost you your life. What do I really want? To see “Dumb and Dumber”? That seems dumb. I want to find the meaning of life. After all, I’m in it.

Lighting turning on in Orchard like lightning. More purposeful people going by. Maybe I am not alone. Maybe every normal person has such an attack when growing up. Maybe it just a depressing passing phase. If so, please pass by quickly. But I think it is here to stay. Is no one really lost? A person alone usually gets lost in a crowd or he finds himself. To be lost is to wander around aimlessly. “I, Zeph, am no longer going to be lost. I am standing. I am stationary. I am still.” Christmas night tonight most uncanny. People in their Sunday best with their family and friends and lovers. Seems like every single thing we do we do out of loneliness – be it going for tea, chatting over the phone, listening to music, shopping, movie-going, smoking, reading, sex. Isn’t it all escapism?

When do we face our true naked selves? All my life I had escaped from this moment; now I got me cornered. Maybe the biggest thing most do to cover up their loneliness is to fall in love and get married. But two lovers might discover that they are still lonely – and they have kids. And the vicious cycle repeats endlessly. It seems so ultimately sad and bad, bleak and black.

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