When I was younger, during my adolescent years, there was a period of time, which felt like two years, when I diligently avoided looking into any mirror – because I didn’t felt like the person I saw in the reflection. There was a bizarre sense of disconnection, as if my face didn’t represent or express me. I looked dull and dispirited, when I was active and imaginative within. What made things worse was having acne attacks that didn’t seem to subside. Then again, maybe it was that which did made the badly scarfaced me really dull and dispirited to some extent. It was a disconcerting period of existential adriftness, with a heavy dose of inferiority complex. If there’s any one thing that gave me confidence later, it was understanding the Dharma. Being aligned with the truth and being able to share it (even if only in part) changed everything.
Only much later could I honestly scrutinise myself in the mirror and make peace with the fact that what I see is a fair karmic expression of my being – in the moment. Strangely, other than face-on passport photos, all other photos these days still don’t seem to reflect me. Is it just an illusion, or is the objective lens not objective enough? Anyway, I still avoid being photographed because it feels weird seeing me in pictures when they don’t seem like me. I guess it’s ego subtly at play, or could it be mere denial of what I look like? What is my real ‘self; anyway? What am I supposed to look like? If there is to be a ‘true’ form, Buddha-ish like everyone else within actually, due to our universal Buddha-nature!
On a related note, was semi invited and semi appointed as a speaker for the Holistic Wellness Symposium 2009: http://www.lifetemplate.org , where I’ll be doing my best to share the ‘second best story’ I know in the most attention-grabbing way I can. One of the persons in charge emailed to ask – ‘Can we have your photo to publish in the web and the the program book?’ This was my reply – ‘Hi, would like to opt out of the photo opportunity :-] as I enjoy my general faceless anonymity, which is important for my online ‘(non-)identity’. Some read my articles thinking I’m a lady, some an old man, some a middle-aged man… Whatever works for them in relating, let’s not spoil their preferred version of how they think I look like! Apologies for the inconvenience.” As such, if you go to the event website, you’ll not see my photo – just moonpointer.com’s logo!
Related Articles:
Face Without Self
http://www.moonpointer.com/index.php?itemid=2091
A Shapeshifted Photo?
http://www.moonpointer.com/index.php?itemid=2617
A Faceless Facebook Account
http://www.facebook.com/shen.shian
I understand what you mean, I used to avoid taking photos when I felt myself expanding on the horizontal & especially since one looks 10% rounder on camera too… :oups2:
Seems like only passport photos are accurately mirror-like? But only for so long… till we change…
(P)
Why wld passport photos be more mirror-like? Is it bec you know that it is to be an identity to be frequently referred to so you tend to be more choosy & retake until you are more satisfied with the photo, thus creating the impression that it is more like the real you?
Smile into the camera & imagine yourself looking at the Buddha, smile radiantly & be confident as if you are teaching the Dharma, maybe this mtd would help make you less camera-shy and more confident? 😎
No leh… haha. No retakes. Some say the camera system for passport photos is different – literally more objective? Not sure about that. There’s some reason why people on TV look different live.
:getlost: