Here is an analysis of the poll question ‘Would You Marry Someone of Another Religion?’ As of today, the results are:
39% : Hmmm, I don’t think so!
30%: Of course, why not?
15% : Does it really matter?
10% : I’m not sure…
04% : Already! And regretting it.
02% : Already! And loving it.
It’s interesting to know the traditions that the readers of moonpointer.com think of the question. Here is an article that reflects upon inter-religious acceptance between spouses. (It was originally written for http://groups.yahoo.com/group/thedailyenlightenment-realisation/message/193 about four years ago.) Do share your thoughts on it!
Can You Believe What I Believe, If You Believe You Love Me?
When unguarded, the fervour of mere faith
can end true understanding.-Stonepeace
A friend, who is a newbie to Buddhism, lamented that his fiancee is pressurising him to convert to her faith, or they had better not get married. She had realised he was becoming more and more engaged in Buddhism, and got “worried”. Isn’t this sad? Just as she saw her faith important to her, she could not see how his mattered to him. What’s more confounding is her closed-mindedness to Buddhism, while insisting her faith is the only right one. How could she force him to convert, while totally disrespecting his faith? When one uses one’s love as stakes to threaten, is it really love? True love is unconditional – it accepts people as they are, not as who we want them to be. The key to “religious tolerance” is understanding. “Tolerance” is not the most appropriate word. With true understanding, there is no need to “tolerate” – we make peace with each other, live and let live. Shouldn’t this practice of “religious tolerance” begin with those we are closest to, since we love them the most?
One’s faith is often one’s most precious “possession”. So precious is it that one would naturally wish to share it – especially with loved ones. Remembering how this applies not only to ourselves, but to those we love too, there is no point force-feeding our faiths to each another. We can imagine the exasperation in being unable to lead loved ones to “salvation”, but we have to remember that as much as want to “save”, others might not want to be “saved” in our way. In fact, their idea of “salvation” might be entirely different. If we truly love the ones we do, we should keep our minds open, and take the time to understand why they embrace their faiths so strongly.
The incident made me reflect… Will I give up Buddhism to make way for love? If I am a newbie lacking in understanding the importance of taking and keeping refuge in the Triple Gem (the Buddha, Dharma and Sangha), I might relinquish Buddhism. Not being a newbie anymore, I will choose my spiritual relationship with the Triple Gem above any worldly relationship. It’s as crystal clear as why we should choose the discovered path to Nirvana instead of taking a detour. Then again, can I be compassionate enough to pretend to forgo my faith, while using skilful means to win my partner to Buddhism in good time? Devious? Well, it depends on your motivation – is it solely out of true love to benefit, or just to win another convert?
An ideal relationship nurtures spiritual growth. If not, it might nurture “samsaric” growth instead. Maintaining a harmonious love relationship with someone of another faith, though tricky, is possible. Sadly, some inter-religious marriages work well when one or both parties are not staunch spiritual practitioners. Sometimes, one party is so dominating that the other always gives in, suffering in silence. Thus are the chances of friction due to differences low in these two instances. Probably the biggest test of “religious tolerance” is when a couple has kids. Will each try their best to win the kids to their “side”? Will the kids experience religious harmony or conflict at home? Just as it is best for the kids to experience harmony, it is best that the adults start nurturing the harmony between themselves now – whether they plan for children or not. Harmony will ensue when we focus on the common virtues which make religions respectable; not their differences. On hindsight, it might be a blessing in disguise that my friend faced his dilemma early – before marriage. After all, before considering nuptial commitment, it’s always good to consider possible problems of religious commitment. May they and all other inter-religious couples be well and happy!
there is one problem with this
Only Buddhism, and maybe Zoraostranism, teaches tolerance but many do not. They teach that unless you believe in this certain way you will burn for eternity. Now two adults may be able to get past this but when a child is being raised this could create a very volatile situation.
“When one uses one’s love as stakes to threaten, is it really love? True love is unconditional – it accepts people as they are, not as who we want them to be. The key to “religious tolerance†is understanding. ”
Agree with the spirit of the message. However in real life, what we think or believe to be unconditional love in marriage may actually be conditional as time passes – especially in situations where both parties are exposed to new places and new groups of people on a daily basis. Under the law of impermanence – human values can change; some from weak to strong, strong to weak, etc.
There is no guarantee what you consider to be true love or skilful means will definitely work – karmic forces are at play.
Your spouse may not posssess the karmic conditions to be touched by your true love or skilful means yet. You can keep on trying, but at one point you still need to know WHEN to stop – as a form of showing respect and love to your spouse.
“we have to remember that as much as want to “saveâ€, others might not want to be “saved†in our way. In fact, their idea of “salvation†might be entirely different. If we truly love the ones we do, we should keep our minds open, and take the time to understand why they embrace their faiths so strongly.”
Totally agree. However, I do not know of any other faith (other than Buddhism, or maybe Zorao as suggested above) which can really do this in practice. Unless they are like what shian has said, one of them or both are not staunch spiritual practitioners.
On the other hand I wish to share a real life example of a friend’s parents who have different faiths; one Christian and the other Yi Guan Dao. The Christian faith is strong in his mother, but yet religious harmony prevails in their family till today. But I think it is most likely to be a rare case than a common one.
“Tolerance†is not the most appropriate word. With true understanding, there is no need to “tolerate†– we make peace with each other, live and let live. Shouldn’t this practice of “religious tolerance†begin with those we are closest to, since we love them the most?
I wholeheartedly agree that with true understanding, there is no need to tolerate. Yet in real life, I wonder if such cases are as common as, say for more than 90% of inter-religious marriages in our country. 10% of 10,000 inter-religious marriages ending up in divorce or on the verge of divorce is still a big number to me.
“before considering nuptial commitment, it’s always good to consider possible problems of religious commitment”
Yes, indeed. This is very important. However usually one or both parties will adopt a positive thinking of say: Maybe i can slowly convert my spouse to my faith with my love and skilful means. I will let him/her see that my faith is the one that can lead to true salvation or seeing the Truth.
After some time, one party in the marriage may find that his or her patience is wearing thin – it can be the one who’s trying to reach out with his/her faith or the one who’s being actively persuaded to listen and participate in his or her religious circle in various ways, gentle or forceful.
That is one of those ways in which cracks in an inter-religious marriage start to show.