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As this post didn’t go on further to discuss practical solutions, let me share my views here.
1) First, you can start by sincerely wanting to understand more about the underlying concerns and beliefs of your boy or girlfriend in such scenarios.
2) Next, you go on to think carefully about how much ‘jealousy’ you can tolerate in both short and long-term without wanting to change the other party too much.
If you find it necessary to change the person’s character or habit of feeling jealous on a large scale, then perhaps you have to reconsider continuing on with the relationship. In other words, both of you might not be suited for each other.
3) Buddhists always emphasise about being strict with ourselves in terms of correcting our flaws and weaknesses. So what is senseless jealousy to one party may be perfectly normal emotions for the other.
So to speak on the above example, it does sound like senseless jealousy. However as friends and Buddhists we cannot expect Mr R to accomodate us and ignore the feelings of his girlfriend.
We cannot even overtly suggest that Mr R try to change his girlfriend’s way of thinking quickly or else we start to leave Mr R out of future social gatherings.
The dynamics of human relationships is very complex and ever-changing. Many conditions need to be present.
In the above example, perhaps Mr R needs to understand more deeply why his girlfriend has such strong tendencies to think, feel or behave in such a manner.
Was it due to various insecurities experienced or negative mindsets developed at various stages of his girlfriend’s life?
Jealousy occurs even in friendships, not just romantic relationships. So the above considerations apply as well.
The group of us did what you’d mentioned, but we decided not to give him any pressure. We welcome him any time when he’s ready to join us for gatherings. He has his reasons not to and of course his girlfriend does too. To him, none of our suggestions are real solutions. The only solution lies in him…
I’m sure R is old enough to handle his problem. Stuffing too much advice might turn him off. :aie3:
Age is not a problem in healthy discussions. R could be anyone, not just the R known to you or to the author of this post.
One might be surprised to know you can still learn something from anyone younger than you, even if the age difference is more than 10 years.
I was using R’s example to bring out certain viewpoints.
Hehe, when i mentioned old enough I meant sensible enough to think and rationalise to act, need not mean a certain age group. Some kids are sensible and rational at very young age, whereas some adults can be childish and immature too. :pff:
No matter how sensible,rational or mature we are or think we are, there will always be blind spots in our views. That is why we need to seek and listen to the viewpoints of others.
Anyone can be sensible and rational at any age, but that doesn’t he or she has no need to even consider alternative viewpoints.
Hi jilexin, my two cents worth…
RE: No matter how sensible,rational or mature we are or think we are, there will always be blind spots in our views. That is why we need to seek and listen to the viewpoints of others.
That is, if they WANT to seek or listen to your viewpoints. If not, you are just forcing them. How healthy is that?
RE: Anyone can be sensible and rational at any age, but that doesn’t he or she has no need to even consider alternative viewpoints.
That depends on whether they think they NEED to consider your alternative viewpoints or not. Sometimes, we need to learn to step back or hold back. If not, good intentions will seem like a nuisance to others. What good can that do? Why make ourselves an ‘evangelising’ pest, when we can be friends to them?
Yes, every word we say can be interpreted as forcing by any listener at any time. Just like what we say to each other here in reply to each other’s comments.
The thing is, any one can become an evangelist pest in different ways. Some more subtle, some more direct.
For example, what you are saying here is not something that is unknown to me. But yet by repeating it here in the above tone, it doesn’t sound friendly or well-intentioned.
As children, we are reminded by people around us to behave in such and such a way. This doesn’t stop even when we become working adults.
Not all good advice comes when we seek it. And not all that comes when we don’t seek it is necessarily forceful or bad advice.
Let me reiterate: I was using R as an example. In real life, I tend to step back more quickly than most people would in such situations.
In order to prevent that this becomes a discussion to establish any party in a bad light in this Buddhist blog, I hope any moderators or readers wishing to rebut what I have written to contact me via email.
Re: Yes, every word we say can be interpreted as forcing by any listener at any time. Just like what we say to each other here in reply to each other’s comments. The thing is, any one can become an evangelist pest in different ways. Some more subtle, some more direct.
Reply: Which is why it’s best to read and reply calmly, and reread what’s written before hitting enter (to prevent misunderstandings).
Re: For example, what you are saying here is not something that is unknown to me. But yet by repeating it here in the above tone, it doesn’t sound friendly or well-intentioned.
Reply: Er… there is no tone in written words, other than the one we read into them. The comments read okay to me (though that’s just my perception). As above… ‘Which is why it’s best to READ and reply CALMLY…’
Re: As children, we are reminded by people around us to behave in such and such a way. This doesn’t stop even when we become working adults.
Reply: Could this be because some adults are not grown up yet? ‘Some adults’ include the advised and the advisors.
Re: Not all good advice comes when we seek it. And not all that comes when we don’t seek it is necessarily forceful or bad advice.
Reply: Good or not, forceful or not, my personal advice is to not take any advice personally, but to just milk it for whatever it’s worth to better ourselves and help others.
Re: Let me reiterate: I was using R as an example. In real life, I tend to step back more quickly than most people would in such situations.
Reply: This is real life too… the below doesn’t exactly read like a ‘step back’. Time to lighten up…
Re: In order to prevent that this becomes a discussion to establish any party in a bad light in this Buddhist blog, I hope any moderators or readers wishing to rebut what I have written to contact me via email.
Reply: Hmmm… ‘every word we say can be interpreted as forcing by any listener at any time’ – this can be interpreted as an instance by some. ‘Which is why it’s best to read and reply calmly, and reread what’s written before hitting enter.’ May all be calm and happy.
Re: Yes, every word….
Hmmm… how can any comments read willingly by each party be considered as forcing?
Re: The thing is
The thing is, try not to be one if we detect displeasure in our friends by saying too much. It’s only wise to hold back then.
Re: For example…
I was told that it could be my usage of CAPs that could signal the wrong idea. Well, I was just lazy to bold or underline the text. :creve: But please read sisyphusian’s comments on ‘tones’ online.
Re: As children…
That doesn’t mean we like being reminded all the time. We need to give benefit of doubts to those we interact with and not think they need our advice at all time or we will risk being preachy.
Re: Not all good…
The idea is to be sensitive to the person we are talking to. If they don’t seem receptive, do we still continue to say what we want?
Re: Let me reiterate…
That’s excellent. But why separate real life and virtual life?
Re: In order to…
Disagreeing does not mean one of the parties is in any wrong or bad… Hmmm, i can only suggest you to use the contact form if you are uncomfortable with commenting in public.
Amituofo.
Would we want ppl to blindly agree with us just bcos we said so, or would we like to share with each other our views even though they differ? Didn’t the Buddha encourage free inquiry? Comments aren’t commands. It’s unnecessary to think we are always right and want others to think likewise. Remember the AWARE saga? Shiver!
Agree with sisyphusian. No need to get personal, because disagreements are everywhere, whether you like them or not. So why fret?
Hey, it’s okay to disagree with the above, cos am not against anyone :p In the words of the Joker, ‘Why so serious?’ Be well and happy… okay?
The above comments by others showed the limitations of online interactions.
Which is why I try to strike a balance between meeting people face to face and corresponding via email or online forums such as this.
I have many experiences with such episodes of disagreements. They cannot be easily settled via online interactions such as these. Things get brushed off either by agreeing or agreeing to disagree but issues are unresolved. These issues may become a seed to future conflicts within the person and as fellow humans and Buddhists, we have to be concerned.
I don’t joke around when it comes to words. I’m sure others wouldn’t want me to shirk responsibility by using the excuse ‘why so serious’.
I have meet shi’an in person and don’t mind meeting anyone here as well.
Online interactions can never be a substitute for real life interactions. There is a distinction.
As humans we all have different opinions. We instinctly react to disagreements via various words we use, no matter how mature you think you are. Of course, there are those who are exceptionally calm and yet sincere at heart. But those are rare.
No matter how careful or tactful am I here with my words, it seems all my points have been read and interpreted in a negative light. Hence the suggestion for people to contact me on a private basis.
Rather than feeling angry at being misunderstood, I felt disappointment and disllusionment.
However, it is a good lesson for me. It is also what I am trying to show to anyone who can understand what I’m trying to say or do here.
It’s only when one truly understands the limitations of human language and personality, and together with guidelines from Buddhist teachings, one will slowly be able to let go of the feeling of being misunderstood.
To those who can read and understand my intentions deeper, work hard. You are not alone. 🙂